Our natural state is joy. Behold, I think I have finally found mine. For the past two weeks I have felt strange – and I say strange because it is a feeling that isn’t overly happy nor sad, scared or angry. Until now, this feeling has been so unfamiliar to me. This feeling… I’m pretty sure, it’s joy.
After I made the choice to let go of my past by no longer allowing my surgical history to define me, there was no ‘celebration,’ just a solo trip to the beach and a jump in the waves to wash my body free of past attachment and judgment. There was screaming and tears but also a whole lot of love. I am convinced that was where the major change began. You know what they say: ‘SHIFT HAPPENS.’ Damn straight it does.
And the little miracle that is my wellness doctor… I have continued to see Dr. Kay, who is the man, weekly. I promised to honor my body and mind on deeper levels and both are beginning to thank me. Following some additional testing on a cellular level, I discovered some intolerances to certain things like gluten, peas, cumin and chocolate. Yeeeeess, chocolate. I know – I just about fell off the table when I got the news. But a promise is a promise and for six weeks I have chosen to steer clear of anything my body has deemed ‘a threat.’ In nourishing my body and keeping it in good alignment – I just feel better. Again… I’m pretty sure it’s joy.
And then there is the room full of mirrors. If you don’t already know, I’m not a huge fan. But on this quest to change (and also follow through with my New Years Resolution to try new things) I gave in to the buzz that is barre class. Pure Barre to be exact. So you can guess what I find upon walking into the studio… yup, mirrors. I have always had a hard time looking at myself in a mirror let alone watching myself sweat alongside fit, athletic women who make it look so damn easy. So initially, I panicked. But with the help of my positive affirmation socks and denying any and all stories that my inner critic tries to make up, those silly mirrors have not been an issue. In fact, I have even found myself in the front of the class, face to face with my own reflection. PB Challenge 1 – Look Past The Mirrors: Accepted.
Usually with any group workout I get very uncomfortable surrounded by women with bodies that I once dreamed of being in. My competitive nature can cause me to over do it and push myself too hard. Only to be in more pain rather than that shaky, euphoric and satisfied feeling following a good workout. So again, I told myself, enough with the stories and go in to do your best. I am there for me and only myself. PB Challenge 2 – You Can and You Will: accepted
The physical workout. It goes by fast – right up my alley. But let me tell you, my first time in class, Charleston experienced an earthquake and it was me. Gripping the bar so hard I thought my hands were going to break, trying to tuck my tail and bend my standing leg and extend and flex. Holy shit. I could barely wrap my mind around it all. I’m sure that parts of my body were shaking that could have been relaxed. But you know what? It works. All I can do is try my best and with the help of the amazing instructors – I get ‘er done. 4-5 times a week, little sass drags her milkshake to pure barre class. PB Challenge 3 – Shake It Up: accepted.
After countless attempts and trying to find what works for my body and mind; ultimately, my soul – I have found it. The result is this unfamiliar, euphoric feeling of knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that all is well. It is the reflection I see when looking into a mirror. Joy. MY joy. It’s so nice to finally meet you!
So to my past, my body, my soul and those mirrors on the wall, I say: ‘Look who has made some amazing progress, little legs and all.’