Whew! It’s been awhile. Hello again! Ever since publishing my memoir, I haven’t felt led to sit for more than five minutes and really write my thoughts down… aside from my overflowing notepad app on my phone.
To escape the inferno that is south Florida this time of year, these little legs jetted up to Maine for the month of July. Being able to work remotely is a B-E-A-UTIFUL thing. Three years ago, in the midst of my ‘almost paralyzed, lets have back to back to back to back surgeries to stay on my feet’ travesty, I was also in Maine for a significant portion of my summer. All of my physical therapy was being done at home, on my own time and it didn’t seem to be enough. My body and mind were struggling. In West Palm Beach, I had begun to see a magical body work fairy turned sista-friend who was making the healing process a whole lot easier. Unfortunately, she didn’t come to Maine with me or make house calls thousands of miles away up the east coast. Le sigh. Through a friend, I heard about a massage place that was located in town, only ten minutes from camp (what we call my parents lake house).
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Usually I am the type to meticulously scour the website, reading about the staff members and carefully selecting who I would want to lay a hand on my fragile little soul suit. However, I was in so much discomfort that I didn’t care who walked into the room at that point. Thankfully, another fairy with magical touch, Alison, graced me with her presence. As you can guess by now, it all worked out amazingly. Side note: if you are in southern Maine, look up Massage by Heart and grab a session with her!
Read more about my experience back in 2016 here.
Fast forward from two years ago to yesterday and I managed to schedule a much needed session with Alison. As I said, she is magic. What she does, on me at least, is a combination of massage and polarity. Polarity therapy involves balancing the flow of energy (if you’re a yogi, think of your chakras) in the body to improve or maintain health. People skilled in this therapy use a number of techniques, including bodywork and stretching exercises. Alison goes as far as reading the body’s energy and relaying what is and is not serving you. If the ideas of perfect timing, crystals, a higher power and such is not in your repertoire, perhaps stop reading… or open your heart and mind to the fact that this planet is a beautiful, intuitive place to live and connect with yourself and others in a slew of different ways, and in that case, keep reading. I definitely rolled up to my session with my body’s energy channels and chakras waayyyyy the eff out of whack; thank you Maine hills and all of the stairs I have been struggling to climb.
After Alison worked on me, we sat down so she could explain what had come up for her during our session. I will do my best to reiterate what she relayed to me.
“Someone or something has been a source of discontent for you. You have tried many times to let it go. What you need to do is face it. Head on. Don’t ignore it. Acknowledge it. All. The fear, the anger and the sadness.”
As she told me this, I began wracking my brain for what she could be referring to. My first thought was my old job. That was a situation that I had let go of quite a while ago. Water under the bridge. When I explained what had happened, she looked at me and said, “Nope. That’s not it.”
Then it hit me. The night before I was laying in bed and my body was vibrating (in a not-so-lovely way) from all of the swimming, walking and stair climbing that I had been doing. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. In fact, it was far less than what I was typically capable of and that fact wasn’t sitting well with me. So as I typically do, I started writing stuff down in my notepad app on my phone:
I’m 33. Most days my soul suit feels like what I would imagine an 89 year old woman’s body may feel like. Oftentimes there is a disconnect between my physical and emotional state; the smile on my face or laugh escaping my lips a mere mask concealing the numbness and tingling or weakness I still feel in my legs (more often than I would prefer). My expectations have always run high for myself. What ‘was’ for these little legs is no longer what ‘is.’
Alison was nodding her head and said that I need to look deeper into that. So, here goes. Spending time in a place that I have been coming to since I was a kid has had me reminiscing on what ‘used to be.’ And that has lead to questions. Will I ever water ski again? Will I ever climb mountains? Will I ever be able to go an entire day without having to stop and rest? Truth is, I don’t know. What I do know is that I feel beyond guilty everytime those thoughts arise and instead of looking closer to how I am actually feeling, I tell myself that I need to be grateful for where I am at in life and for what I have. Which, is also true. But it won’t do me any good to feel grateful if there are underlying feelings of anger, sadness, fear, etc.
I guess I know what I will be doing this weekend. Thankfully the next piece of information to rest on my ears was a little more positive.
“Writing. It’s coming up again. (Mind you, I hadn’t spoken to her in two years so she knew nothing of what transpired in January.) You currently have a platform and it’s only going to get bigger; you’re going to reach and help so many people. Keep writing, keep working on whatever it is you’re doing.”
Noted. In saying the above, Alison had no idea that I recently published a book or the fact that I have another literary project in the works. And the goal of said project is to be a source of reassurance and reference to anyone open and willing to a fresh perspective. Reading the expression on my face, Alison knew I had something exciting to share. In breaking the news of my memoir to her, we both had goosebumps.
Leaving her place, driving through the Maine hills, life just felt right. The road certainly has not been easy. Easy does not last. And I have finally arrived at a place in my life where I can settle into the way things are without judgment. I can look at what doesn’t serve me, let it be what it is and then let it go. I am 100% independent; physically, financially, mentally. The element of fear that seemed to be dangling overhead for the last three years has gone away.
Things are constantly shifting, evolving and happening. No matter how good or bad things seem to be, the only way to go is through. Little legs are taking it one step in perfect timing.