Throughout my life I have had to deal with public ridicule. Laughing, staring, rude remarks; you name it. As much as I can say that I don’t let it get to me, it hurts like hell and sometimes it does cut deep. Recently, at work, I have found myself in several situations where I am being laughed at or someone makes a remark about me being a midget. God, I hate that word with a fiery, burning passion. What I can say is that kids are a lot easier to deal with than adults.
On Wednesday I had a patient, maybe eight years old who asked me if I was a midget. I told him that I didn’t like that word and that I was a little person. He simply nodded his head and said ok. Then he looked at me and says, “Well you’re a beautiful little person.” Obviously that made me smile. That’s the wonderful thing about kids; they speak their minds but are always open to new ideas and criticism. So much easier to deal with than adults.
Friday rolls around and it had been a wonderful day on the floor. Busy, but I was in great company. 5:30 hits and chaos rolls in. Right before change of shift I got an admission. Taking it on with a smile, I strolled into the patients room to get their vital signs and see how I could accommodate their needs. As soon as I walked in the door I was met by laughter and facial expressions that read, “who the fuck are you.” Happy Friday indeed. Inside I just wanted to cry, immediately. But for the sake of being in my work environment I kept the smile and continued my work. Each subsequent laugh just pounded me further into the ground. After I was done I walked out of the room shaking and went straight to the bathroom to cry. Fearing I was needed on the floor, I cut my pity party short and went back out only to come face to face with some of the individuals I had just escaped and thus encountered more snickering etc.
My heart still hurts. As much as I want to ask, “Why me?” The question for me now becomes, “How? How can I send these people blessings and love knowing that it is their lack of knowledge and possible ignorance that is causing my pain?” Sigh. This too is becoming an ongoing process for me. But what I am happy to say is that for the first time ever I found my space in neutrality and joy. Not overly happy and not super sad. On Saturday I was able to just be. At first, it felt very foreign because it was. But then I realized what I was feeling and how awesome it was. Just acknowledging that has allowed my highs and lows to be less extreme and thus allowed me to heal my hurting heart. How wonderful.
Conquering my fear involves staying in this place of neutrality and joy more often, sending blessings and love to those who choose to judge me (knowing that it is them and has nothing to do with me or who I am) and forgiving myself for those times that I forget to give love to the most important person of all, me.